Audio Posts

Sorority House Massacre…

During this edition of The Five Count we poked fun at people who wear glasses, discussed the reasons why laser shows are making a big comeback, and received a phone call from a local sorority who asked us out on a date. Ton never came home last night!

Artwork by Nora Myers of The Dirty Birds

Ton’s Birthday Blowout…

This was the special “Ton’s Birthday Blowout” edition of the show. During the show we jammed out to Ton’s favorite songs, chatted about the metric system with a woman who called from China, and received a call from Ton’s arch-nemesis, Killoton, who unsuccessfully tried to thwart Ton’s birthday boogieing. For his birthday, Dustin gave Ton a brand new Motley Crue pencil pouch!

An Evening With WWE’s Paul Bearer…

This edition of The Five Count featured a special interview with WWE’s Paul Bearer. Paul is a professional wrestling legend and was a staple for more than 30 years in companies like WWE, WCW, and TNA. He managed guys like The Ultimate Warrior, Kane, Rick Rude, Steve Austin, Mick Foley, and The Undertaker. During the show he talked about life in the wrestling business, told stories about his days on the road with The Undertaker, and helped us understand how the wrestling business and the funeral business go hand in hand. Oh, yes!

Saturday Night Bum Fights…

This edition of The Five Count featured The Dirty Birds condoning bum fights, Dustin blaming the ills of society on the True Punks and their electro music, and a suggestion that Prince might take over after Christ retires. Brilliant!

Artwork by Nora Myers of The Dirty Birds

An Evening With Little House On The Prairie’s Alison Arngrim…

This edition of The Five Count featured a special interview with Alison Arngrim. Alison is best known as the evil “Nellie Oleson” on the TV show Little House on the Prairie. She is also the author of the book Confessions Of A Prairie Bitch: How I Survived Nellie Oleson And Learned To Love Being Hated. During the show she talked about her new book, made jokes about Michael Landon, and shared stories about life as a “bitch” on the prairie. Dustin tried to hit on her. Grab Ma and Pa!

Your Mom Listens To The Five Count…

This installment of The Five Count was Ton’s special birthday tribute to his mother. During the show Ton played all his mother’s favorite songs, shared stories about growing up and hanging out in beauty parlors, we discussed the pros and cons of Teddy Ruxpin, and Dustin tried hard to find a way to marry into Ton’s family. Love is in the air!

The Five Count Battles The Ruskies…

This was our special “Tribute to America” show featuring the music of America’s greatest export, Rocky IV. During the show we quoted our favorite lines from the film, Ton broke out into his own training montage, and we explained why we think the True Punks should be considered amongst the “Founding Fathers” of our country. Yo, Southern Minnesota! We did it!

When Nature Attacks…

This edition of The Five Count was one of those rare instances where Ton went solo. During the show Ton warned the listeners of the dangers of fire ants, broke the news that Dustin was left in traction after a lawn care accident, and explained the intricate process of replacing human body parts with those of barnyard animals. Yes!

Pictured above is one of the numerous notes left in our mailbox by KMSU management during the great “Get The Five Count Cancelled” Campaign of 2005. It was unsuccessful. (Please Note: This insert was available in MSU’s newspaper during homecoming weekend. There were thousands of them lying around campus, but management found one and immediately assumed we were behind some sort of value-destroying conspiracy. This was just one instance in a series of several hilarious injustices against The Five Count.)

Father’s Day With Burl Ives…

This was a special Father’s Day edition of The Five Count. In honor of fathers everywhere, we played the music of everyone’s favorite fatherly troubadour, Burl Ives. During the show we discussed Burl’s comeback into the mainstream, Ton talked about punching bears in the face, and Dustin shared stories about growing up with his father, Wayne Newton. Another great Father’s Day in the books. Grab your pops!

Artwork by Nora Myers of The Dirty Birds

The Five Count’s Six-Year Anniversary…

This was the special “Six Years of Five Count” anniversary show. It was a star-studded affair, complete with a live performance by The Five Count House Band. During the show we discussed the amazing fact that we’re still on the air after six years and chatted on the phone with our old friends Vomix, Randy “Macho Man” Savage, and Al’s mom. When not hobnobbing with all our adoring fans, the house band ripped through many of today’s biggest hits, including a heart-warming (and shirtless) rendition of George Michael’s Careless Whisper!

The Five Count House Band (L to R: Al Carlson, Dustin Wilmes, Juston “Ton” Cline)