Audio Posts

The Five Count Explains Proper Loofah Usage…

During this episode of The Five Count we explained the dangers of having “relations” with cattle, Ton talked about proper loofah usage, and we discussed the similarities between the general manager of the station and Bono. It’s uncanny!

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The Five Count Are Not Chauvinist Pigs…

For this episode of The Five Count we spent a lot of time apologizing for our past chauvinistic digressions. Ton was especially disappointed about his tendency to be piggish in the past. During the show we also compared David Bowie to the McDonald’s Big Mac Moon, planned a hacky-sacking road trip to Oregon, and Ton talked with a caller in great detail about the art of sandwich making. The show was devoid of all misogyny.

Sweatin’ To The Five Count…

We danced our way into the new year for this special “Sweatin’ to The Five Count” edition of the show. During the show we tried to sell Birk into slavery, discussed the striking similarities between Ton and Roy Orbison, and sweated profusely as we simultaneously boogied and oogied into 2010. It’s gonna be a great year!

Dustin Wilmes as the New Year’s Baby

The Five Count Breaks Curfew…

For this decade-ending edition of The Five Count we completely abandoned the usual musical portions of the show and went back to our talk-radio roots. Former KMSU superstar and host of The Curfew radio hour Dylan Schultz joined us for the show. Since The Five Count has been ripping off The Curfew for years, resurrecting the old Curfew format for the final show of the ’00s seemed like the right thing to do.

During the show we discussed the numerous stains left on the furniture at KMSU, received another phone call from a disgruntled Santa, slandered LeVar Burton, spoke with Ridge Runner about the pros and cons of wearing moccasins, and reminisced about the good ol’ days. See you next year!

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A Five Count Christmas 2009…

This was our fifth annual edition of “A Five Count Christmas.” It was filled to the brim with merry. During the show we shared loads of Christmas cheer, Ton offered himself up as a gift to the ladies of Southern Minnesota, and we received a phone call from Santa Claus, who explained how the birth of Jesus ruined Christmas. We also premiered a brand new song from The Five Count House Band called, oddly enough, A Five Count Christmas. Merry Christmas!

Artwork by Nora Myers of The Dirty Birds

The Ghost Of Five Count Past…

This was a precursor to next week’s annual “A Five Count Christmas” show. It was overflowing with Christmas music to get Southern Minnesota in the holiday spirit. During the show we explained the logistics of time traveling with the True Punks, Dustin told a story about his days in the band Pennywise, and we discussed the possibility of being haunted by Ton’s ghost. It’ll make a great soundtrack to wrapping gifts!

An Anonymous Listener Makes a Google Search for The True Punks

Sasha Mitchell’s Bastard Christmas…

This episode of The Five Count kicked off the holiday season with a bang. During the show we tried our best to track down Ton’s numerous illegitimate children, Ton discouraged a would-be killer by disclosing his long-time friendship with champion kick-boxer Sasha Mitchell, and Dustin explained the trials and tribulations of having quintceps (the muscles that come after biceps and triceps.) During the show, Ton’s name was changed to Peck Deck!

Teach Me Tiger…

During this edition of The Five Count we explained the similarities between the True Punks and Lorenzo Lamas, Ton told a story about the time he used Ton-Bo to punch a hole through Billy Blanks, and Dustin admitted that he tells people he’s really Ton in order to pick up girls. Ton referred to Dustin as “Tiger” and wore camouflage throughout the show!

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A Five Count Thanksgiving…

This was our special broadcast of “A Five Count Thanksgiving.” During the show we discussed the numerous things we’re thankful for, Ton told a story about his affair with Sheila E., and we explained to the listeners the best way to avoid making heinous stuffing. We also premiered a brand new song from The Five Count House Band called D.L.W. It was rather ripping. Thanks for celebrating Turkey Day the Five Count way!

The Five Count Has Swine Flu…

This edition of The Five Count featured an intense discussion about the similarities between Ton and the sleepwear of cats, a calculation of the odds of contracting H1N1 and herpes by fraternizing with the True Punks, and Ton sheepishly talking about roast beef. You may remember Ton from the “What’s Goin’ Down?” episode of That’s My Mama!